him

I cant do it no more. Despite the stay in order i drove out to chicago to see him for a few days.

So he had to act like i wasnt here so that his friends wouldnt give him shit. Which i understand. 

So here heres getting calls from all his other hoes who hes broken up with and stayed friends with and hes talking to this one that he was talking to from when we used to mess around . Apparently shes the one that he loves and she loves him, but she dont want to marry him cuz shes afraid that hell do her like how he did us others. That SHE helped him break up.. shes telling him that theyre not gonna have sex till theyre married and all that shit which i know he wont be able to do. Hes to sensual for that. So here he has her on the speaker phone and shes telling him what to do and how to do it, what to eat allll that typical shit. And i had to walk out of the room. I couldnt deal with it. And she was supposedly "jokin" and im like not if you both love each other. Shes serious. .. 

I just don't know what is wrong with me that he can fuck me, but cant be in a relationship with me... but can deal with that shit? So im out...im not contacting him again. Ill only talk to him if he calls. Which probably wont be ever. After these 4 days i see we have almost nothing in common at awl. We have some, but not alot. 

So yeah, im gonna be alone for the rest of my life. 

You know it sucks being really depressed... got no one to talk too... people who you thought were your friends don't give a shit about you to even see how you are..

The one person who i considered my "friend" only talks to me if he's really disgusted with the way the kitty litter is. or to bitch about something else to me.. Otherwise, i don't get a text or a call saying "Hello laney, how are you today"? Nothing.....never comes in to check to see how i'm doing when he gets off work , nothing...

Claims he's a "Loner" but how can you be a loner, when you have your girlfriend and baby upstairs with you? a loner to me is someone who is like me.. Don't have anyone to talk too, no friends, that's a loner... not what he is.. before he was, but not now....

He doesn't even take care of his dog... hasn't taken her off the chain in MONTHS, lets her shit and piss in my basement, and sometimes she's lucky if he feeds her... or if he goes down to clean up after her... which i have to smell from it coming up in the vents...

But this sucks not having no one to talk too about all my problems .. i want to cry so bad because i got to get this off my chest and i can't.. i don't have anyone to tell...

Usually i'm not ever this down.. but maybe its because i had thought that he valued our friendship as much as i did... but i was wrong.. its been almost a week since we've texted each other... or seen each other... but after last Saturday i told myself i'm not searching for him, or texting him.. i'm going to wait to see how long it takes for HIM to come find ME... and see how I'M doing... let me see how long it takes for him to notice i'm alive....

And this will also help me try to get my feelings off him... if i had someone else to take my attention off of him, i'd be fine, i'd forget all about him... but there's no one.. i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. i know i am...

My friend Dell said i shouldn't think that way.. but its true. i don't have any men chasing me, or knocking on my door to take me out, or to spend time with me....

But i don't know.. i don't want him to leave cuz with me losing my job now i'm going to need him and his girl to pay the nips-co and water bill. cuz it don't look like i'm going to find a job any time soon... and i can't go with out my lights and water.. and i'm not going thru the mess of going to get the government to help pay for it... no way..

But something has to change... cuz i don't like to be depressed like this... i hate feeling like crying all the time...

Maybe i should go get some drugs for it... or just get high... hmmmm...


Laters..

Laney

My LIfe

I know its been a while since I've blogged... Mainly because of an incident with my daughter... which i will explain in a later blog....

But my life sucks so bad... its so hard not having a car, friends, and being alone all the time.. i'm tired ... i need someone in my life to take care of , to talk too.. 

The one person who i thought was my friend showed me today that i can't depend on him for anything.. not even 15 minutes of his time to take me to work... i asked him to take me to work, because my friend Dell  might not be able too, cuz today is his birthday and his family has plans for him all day... so i ask Tyrone, and he said no.. that i know today is his day to fix his cars, and run his errands.. he always thinks of himself only.. hell, his cars come before his girlfriend and his child... 

But i got into it with my mother about rides cuz she was crazy and wants to much money for gas, and so now i'm not really talking to her, and had to ask my friends for rides back and forth to work till i'm done there.. 

I'm also losing my job in a few days.The owner is closing down the building, and there's only 8 tenants left in there. and i'll be there till everyone is out .. so I've been stressing about that. cuz i haven't found another job yet, and have to now depend on Tyrone and his girl to pay the Nipsco and water bill.. and i'm so afraid that he's not going to do that. he's so fucking absentminded about shit... 

But i figured now, i have to disconnect myself from them.. him especially.. stop looking for him to talk to him and joke around with him, to stop doing things for him, stop texting him (which I've already done cuz he don't know how to text back) and to stop sleeping with him.. ( yes, he has a girlfriend living upstairs with him, and he's still wanting and getting it from me .. different blog for a later time.. ) so i'm done with the both of them, and their baby,.which is what hurts me the most, he is everything to me, he makes me feel so much better holding him and playing with him, but I've got to cut it short with them, hi and that's it, and that's only when they talk to me first... 

And i shouldn't have to do that because he's my best friend and i love him alot.. he makes me feel better when i talk to him. 

But i guess i'm going to just be my own best friend and stay to myself... i'm so tired of being alone.. my daughter is down at school and i'm up here by myself...alone.. and i can't stand that.. .i don't think i'm an alone person.. 

But i don't know... all i know is i got to figure out a ride to work now.. i'm late already.. they said i can come in early today but there's no way of that happening... 

Laters... 

Laney